Snow tires-- a rant

Permit me, please, a rant. This blog is primarily for photos, so let me try to paint an image for you.

Imagine my spiffy front wheel-drive van midway up a hill on the way to my York home. In just two inches of snow, the tires start to spin, losing traction in the slush. Oh so carefully, I back/slide down the hill, get a running start. I blow right through two stop signs on the hill and finally make it to the house.

I need snow tires.


As a semi-retired (translated as 'no money')  newspaper photographer, I'm in the snow getting pictures of the day's happenings. Living on top of a hill complicates matters in winter.

So I call my favorite tire man and explain the situation. "Sure", he says happily, "we can put FOUR snow tires on my car." No, I say, can't afford FOUR. I can only afford TWO. After all, I know I need brakes, too, but that will have to wait.

He repeats FOUR. I repeat TWO. Can't do it, he says. Gotta have FOUR.  It's policy. I'm sure he can hear me scratching my bald head as he explains:

"If you put snow tires on the front of your van, the back end will slide out from under you as you go around a turn. It's unsafe. Company policy dictates FOUR tires," he says.  But I can't afford FOUR, I say. I need brakes, so my bank account can handle only TWO.

Besides, if my half-worn, three-season tires are spinning in the snow, do we really care that the back end will lose traction in a turn? Hm, not if the car's stopped dead on hill. What they're saying is that my FOUR half worn three-season tires have more traction in snow than TWO snow tires on the front. Very illogical.

So I go to another Tire Guy. Same story. And another. I'm beginning to think that insurance companies do, in fact, rule the world. And the tire companies want to sell FOUR tires and not TWO.  It's a conspiracy. Apparently only people who drive for a living and don't own a tire store believe snow tires on the traction wheels make sense.

I make one more call to another Tire Guy who works for a big tire chain, well known in these parts. Surprisingly, he says "Sure, we can put on TWO tires for you."  Great, I'll drop it off, come back after lunch and then head off to snowy Cleveland and Buffalo for New Year's Day feeling safe and secure in my TWO new snow tires.

These Goodrich tires are pretty, aggressive and have big, deep and manly treds, with which I can conquer Mount Snow.  Arrrrg!

Feeling good with a full stomach, I catch a ride back to the Tire Place and find TWO snow tires on the van-- on the back wheels. Nooooooooo! Front wheel drive-- you know, where the traction is?  Should be on the front! 

Having traction on the powerless back wheels won't help me get up my hill to a warm house, I say to the Tire Guy. The old front tires will still spin.

"Oh, but you're wrong, my friend," Tire Guy says with an evil grin. "We always put TWO snow tires on the back of a front wheel drive vehicle, it gives you better traction for going up the hill."  He said this with a straight face, which was terribly maddening. Even frightening.

Well, you just put a couple hundred dollars on the back wheels-- you didn't tell me where they were going-- and, in my humble opinion,  they are useless there. Take them off, I say.  Tire Man says, "Sure, but it's going to be a couple hours to get a lift free. And it'll cost you $93 to remount your old tires."

Gotcha!  Ka-ching!!!  Ka-ching!!!  Ka-ching!!!

So, faced with paying another fee or leaving TWO snow tires on the back, I had little choice. OK, I'll buy TWO. By the way, you did put the old --but still plenty good-- tires in the back of the van, right?  "No," Tire Man says. "We tossed them."   Noooooo!  Dig them out of your tire dump.  And by the way, take the tire disposal fee off my bill too. "OK," he says with a sigh of resignation. "Oh," he says, with a brightening expression, "Your brakes are shot and the van needs a front end alignment." Yes, I know it needs brakes and will be fixed as soon as I find some extra bucks. Sheesh.

The chances of bringing my car back here to get it done are about as good as getting a snow tire on my bike. Maybe if it's put on the back. But wait, that's rear wheel drive, so they'd put it on the front?

My blood pressure medicine wasn't working and I could feel blood boiling at the top of my head. If he had mentioned that tires were going to be on the back in the first place, I would have driven off, never bought the tires.

Hey, wait a minute...

Duh.

If I wasn't in a hurry to leave town, my favorite mechanic, Charlie Hoffman in Dover, would have remounted the first pair onto the front.
 
Stopped a few miles down the road for gas, and noticed that the left rear wheel doesn't have a wheel cover. I call Tire Man and ask if he sees it laying around. "Oh, he says. "Forgot to tell you that we dropped a wheel on it and broke it. Find another one, and we'll reimburse you." Thanks.  Just a lovely experience, eh?  It got so bad, I was giggling. Didn't want to cry.

Later that day, I'm in Cleveland. Snow is minimal, only about a foot deep.  Can't steer around an intersection, front wheels spinning like a blender.  I need tires on the front, period.  I find another tire shop with the same name, since I want the same tread--big, deep and manly.  Aaarg.

Can't be a problem here, since there are only two wheels left. "You're next up," Tire Man 2 says. "Get on it right away." Cool, I'll wait.   "Well," Tire Man 2 says. "It's probably going to take 2-3 hours."  To put TWO tires on? Look, just mount and balance the tires. No inspection, no specials, no nothing. Balanced and mounted.

After dinner, I'm smiling because I have TWO traction tires on front, TWO follow-behinds on the back. I'm ready for Jack London and Yukon King weather. Bring it on.

For illustrative purposes only, but a good idea?

The bill is presented, but it's a few bucks more than quoted. Why?  "Oh, Tire Man 2 says (they say a lot of "Oh", as in "Oh, you caught me.") "We accidentally charged for lifetime balance and tire disposal fees.  We'll dig the tires out of our tire dump and put them in your van." Thanks. They even laid them on plastic to keep my sleeping bags clean.

"Oh," he says.  "By the way, your brakes are shot and the van needs a front end alignment." Now, I had said mounted-- period. I wanted out quickly, no inspection, so I could get on the road. I know the brakes are shot-- Tire Man already told me. Do I see a pattern here?

Now, with FOUR snow tires, brakes will have to wait even longer.

I'm not questioning that with snow tires on the front only, the rear end would try to catch up to the front when buzzing around a corner. Watch it happen on You Tube. But do you think Tire Man really believes that TWO snow tires on the back would help me get up the hill to my house? I'm no engineer, but that's just not logical.

Is it?